Acceptance From Almost Five Years Ago

Acceptance From Almost Five Years Ago

While clearing out my Inbox, I came across the below prose I wrote titled Acceptance.

 

Lately, in my world I’ve been learning more and more how to practice acceptance. It hasn’t always been easy. Reading the my words below again, helped me realise I have come a long way in almost five years.

 

October 2014

 

I cannot begin to express how indifferent I feel about everything today; perhaps this feeling has even started spreading over me the last few days. Restlessness is on the attack, won’t leave me be. It is entrenched as if I am waiting for something to happen to shake everything within my world. But what? And why? I can’t recall the last time I felt this way.

 

Even writing this makes me feel on edge.

 

So much has happened, is happening it feels as though I am going out of my mind at times. I know what to do to stay in control or only deal with what is within my power but this time it’s proving a challenge. Another challenge.

 

I left work after lunch, despite taking a lunch break, to visit the bank. I needed bank statements stamped by the bank to get out a mobile phone contract. Something I wouldn’t normally do, both get a contract and disappear after lunch, but I just needed to get away. During my break, I escaped with a colleague/friend and walked around the block almost. She invited me to join her so she could stretch her legs because of the stiffness caused by running at the weekend. Maybe it is a run that I need. I needed the fresh air then and welcomed her openness. It momentarily helped with my feelings of disinterest. Someone else’s issues to consider; consideration for others.

 

While at work listening to someone explain something to me about a computer, something I knew about and was, in fact, dealing with already via my assistant, made me want to scream. I revealed my knowledge, but this person carried on regardless. I didn’t think I had a soft voice. How I kept my thoughts to myself even surprised me. Why didn’t I speak up this time? Perhaps one eventually runs out of steam.

 

Bullshit. What is with people and bullshit? Do people just love the sound of their own voices? And need to appear important at all times? Why? When all they are doing is sounding empty, shallow and coming across as condescending and damn rude.

 

This doesn’t only happen at work. During a recent night out where I keenly observed the interaction between two strangers; two men I introduced to each other. One did most of the talking and didn’t ask the other many questions, if at all. He just went on and on, as entertaining and hilarious as it was, and even cut us both off. I just let it rest. Again, I kept it all to myself.

 

Perhaps I am the odd one out in all of this. Or I just don’t accept how wrapped up humans are with themselves, and no one else even notices because they are all guilty of it so what would there be to notice, in the end? When all they can see are themselves…

 

Is it a matter of simply accepting? Accept. Acceptance.

 

Just accepting everything that could be and should be better?

 

Or is it about taking a stand and pointing it out to people whenever the self-centred, attention-seeking signs befall? Is that perhaps would make all the difference?

 

 

Buddhist philosophy: Suffering = pain x resistance. Accepting the “pain” (from a relationship, situation etc.) causes less suffering than struggling fruitlessly against it.

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