A loveless mother

A loveless mother

I am sorry that I had to leave you and take Blake with me. It is for the best, for now. You will understand, eventually be in a position to understand, this I am certain of. I need to be on my own for a few days, to get my head straight. Blake doesn’t understand why both you or his sister are not with us, but all he wants to see are big cats and also rhinos still alive, with their horns attached – so he is distracted, thankfully. I will give him a kiss goodnight and the biggest hug from you.

Please do what you need to do, and we will talk again after I return; I know you will be away for work, so perhaps over the phone, we can converse, reveal a bit more…

I don’t know what to say about Desiree – I tried, I truly did my best but it was never good enough. Boarding school is the only place for her; she needs it more than I ever did. I am sorry that I do not love her, cannot love her and will not be able to love her anytime soon. Perhaps it will change down the road when the road becomes less bumpy. She and I need a smooth road, but how does one make it smooth? This is what I need to do – it should all come from me; however, right now I am at my wit’s end and desperately want this time to deal, to heal and come up with a plan. Please know that the guilt I feel because of this lack of love for our daughter wants to strangle me – it is the punishment, of course; what else?

I can now finally understand how a mother can give up her child… What an awful thing to say, to release from my brain but you always wanted the truth from me, no matter how soul destroying it may turn out to be. Please don’t allow this to destroy your soul, your wonderful white-hot-heart.

All you have to do is stop blaming yourself. It is so simple. You were never yourself when around Desiree. When you accept this fact then everything will be easier; trust me like you used to. Not even I had such an effect on you when courting me. Desiree holds all the power where you are concerned and I could no longer take it. At work, our business that we turned into the success it is now, together, you are ruthless and do not put up with much, yet failed to apply any of this to our daughter, and so readily you put up with all when it comes to her. She changed you; she weakened your character and this I cannot bear to witness any more. You must know this. This is one of the reasons I have sent her away – for your own good too.

They were wrong, so wrong… Whoever said one does not produce a child more badly behaved than a parent. Whoever said that needs to take it back, and never say it again! What nonsense! What utter balderdash!

Please find it in your heart to forgive me.

With all my love, always…

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